i'm maddie :)
Denver. student. lover of life and laughter.
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photo geek, concert addict, music business hopeful, & did I mention student?
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this place is for me to organize my thoughts, let go, and lose myself in the things i love:
photography. summer. music business. Denver. sunsets. architecture. technology. Batman. instant film. funny things. local music. art. surf&skate. Apple. college. anything & everything that catches my eye.
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I Fight Dragons merch girl on Warped Tour 2012.

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I am living the life I only could have dreamed of...and loving every single second of it.

The Home Stretch

The home stretch.

Here I am, closing in on the last leg of my first national tour. It’s been a hell of a two months, full of plenty of ups and downs, fun, adventure, hardships, and everything in between. I feel like ive seen a little bit of everything, and learned a ton about nothing in particular. The road has been an interesting and strange experience, but what I think I’ve enjoyed the most thus far has been all the time I’ve spent reflecting on myself, my life and it’s path forward.

This last 14 day stretch has been a strange one in particular since its been the first time all tour I’ve been able to even fathom heading home. This tour has been so insanely fast paced that I was lucky to remember to eat every day, let alone take the time to think about home. There were a few moments halfway through when I had the time to talk to my mom or Danny, and it’d make my heart would ache for a familiar sight, or someone to talk to that knew Denver; but then there I’d go 12 hours later, back at it again for however many more insane days in a row, without time to focus or even think the word “Colorado”.

This past week, all the 7 of us have been able to focus on is “home”. The guys all had to drive through Chicago just a few days ago on our way to the Milwaukee show, and calling it homesickness would be an understatement. Having that kind of tease hurts! Being so close, yet so far away all at the same time…I felt so bad for all of them, but also took it as an awesome reminder that no matter how far away you can feel, it’s that easy to make your way back home just as quickly as you left.

As for me? I’ve been trying to just prepare myself for life when I get home: school, work, moving, the whole thing. There’s a lot of things I’m gonna be jumping back into head first without any time to just re-adjust. It’s going to be a lot to take on all at once, but I’m working really hard to remember just to pace myself and take everything on all in good time.

Talking with Danny last night we were discussing plans for the first few days I’m home, and it was a really sobering to be reminded the the world hasn’t stopped while I’ve been gone. He has work and school and family plans for that week just like normal, because for everyone else? it is. No one else has been gone for 2 months, and I’m going to have to continue to remind myself of that. Even though I’m excited to be back and be home and have all these things I want to do, I have to make sure to balance myself and my excitement with everyone else’s regularly scheduled life.

I remember watching Brady come home last summer, trying to hard to rush back into everything because he had no choice, and seeing him just continue to struggle with accepting that he, and the world around him had changed while he’d been gone.

I’ll admit, I haven’t been as disconnected as he was, and I don’t have as much social stuff to re-assimilate into, but i know from watching his experience that I need to be weary of my personal needs. I can’t expect to just go back to normal, in fact, I know I don’t want to go back to normal! But that doesn’t mean I can dive head first into my new plan of action, I’ve got to take it all in stride.

I’m so curious about what will happen when I get home. I’m curious to see what things have and will change about me, how my adventures and my lifestyle will affect my personality in the long run, and I’m anxious about how well I’ll handle being back to the “norm”. The fact that I’m conscious of this is a really good thing. I know to be cautious, to watch myself and to take my time, but that doesn’t mean that this will be easy. I’m sure there will be weird nights, and weirder days spent trying to just re-figure myself out, but I’m fairly confident that if anyone or anything is gonna help me survive, it’ll be Danny.

As crazy as it sounds, its really nice to have one person that’s already heard most of the stories, that knows the faces, and that understands where I’ve been. He was able to experience this tour with me and through me, and at the same time he gave me some kind of grounded, connected feeling of being home. I can’t even imagine trying to do all of this without him and the peace he’s brought me.

That being said, I feel like I’ve put this poor kid through hell and back this summer. We’ve talked about it a little, and it sounds like he hasn’t missed me in the same sense that I missed Brady. I was so scared that he’d have the same feelings I had of disconnect, worry, frustration, loneliness. But after I vaguely mentioned it, he told me that he hasn’t shared those same feelings. I credit a lot of that to the fact that we can talk as much as we do, and so does he.

That being said, our ability to talk a ton has meant that he’s had to put up with a lot of my freak outs and breakdown moments that would have gone undisclosed or unseen if our communication was really constricted. He’s put up with my “I miss home” moments, my “I hate tour, I give up” breakdowns via phone call, my “I miss you” sob stories over FaceTime. He’s dealt with me being a whiney, sad, teary-eyed girlfriend for months before I left, worrying and freaking out, and now he’s put up with these small outbursts while I’ve been gone. I know tears are really not his favorite, and it’s hard and weird when you don’t really know how to comfort someone, but he’s pushed through all my bullshit and made it out alive, and without dumping me, which is a blessing in itself.

I’m sooooo thankful that I’ve had him by my side willing to deal with all this, because I know a lot of guys who probably wouldn’t. I haven’t really figured out what I can do to repay him yet, but I’ve been throwing around a few ideas… I’m really hoping I can make our 1-year anniversary very worthwhile with some big adventure and fun that’s more up his alley.

So here I am in the middle of Montana driving through the mountains on a beautiful day. I have two show days left, and then two full drive days, destination: Denver. That’s all that’s left. It’s amazing how fast this has all flown by for me, but finding myself in this home stretch, I can very easily say that I am VERY ready to be home. Back to my man, my city, and my life.

meeting my father.

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Loneliness.

it’s a weird thing. 

I saw Danny on Tuesday, but i feel like it’s been almost two weeks since we had a legitimate, real, good conversation. We’ve both been so busy with school and life that it’s been hard, but it feels like i’m missing my other half. It’s pathetic, but i just can’t help it! I sat alone at home in my quiet apartment all evening, and all i could focus on during my first afternoon of freedom from school was wishing i was spending it with my man instead. He’s not done with school yet, one more essay and one more test due on Monday, and i’m doing my best to respect that and the fact that he’s still got a fairly busy schedule for now, but i miss him. I’ve been fighting with my brother, stressing out about apartment shopping and moving, and i need some down time sitting around talking all this through, and the only person i want to do that with is him.

I’m so excited for us to get back to the things we do best: goofing around all day and all night long. Back to long days on the boat, late nights hiking mountains, and early morning spent laying in bed, talking, or watching a sunrise. Summer is our time together, and I’m forcing us to miss out on spending most of it together this year. I have 33 days left before i leave…just a little over a month. I think it’s really starting to settle in how quickly i’ll be leaving, and i’m realizing that i want to make the most of these 33 days, spending every minute I can enjoying the summer with him, relaxing and laughing. 


Today was the first day of summer.

Today i feel lonely. Today, I miss my boyfriend. All my feelings are silly and ridiculous, but i cannot wait to actually start this 33-day summer of mine; full of fun and freedom spent with the man i love.

…i just hope it starts soon. ha. 

my little brother is in a bit of a rough spot.

it’s his senior year of high school. 

he has as many things going on as i did.

and he’s not handling the stress well. Being rude to my mom, even to me in the one time i saw him tonight in the past month(?) I know i didn’t handle it all well either, I fought with my mom horribly during my final months of high school, but i never got as out of hand and irrational as he seems to be right now. 

I know he’ll get through this, but he’s so not himself right now. So rude, so irrational, so illogical. So inconsiderate. he doesn’t recognize that the things he does and the way he says things hurts people, and he couldn’t care less that he’s ruining relationships with his family. 

I called him out on it tonight - big time. and he chose to not listen, blow me off and disregard my pleas for him to think about his actions. I know i hurt his feelings, i know i got a bit carried away, but i said what needed to be sad. tough love has it’s name for a reason. Sometimes the truth hurts, but it’s incredibly necessary in situations like this. I love that boy, but he needs a reality check, a good night’s rest, and some relaxation. 

i miss my brother the way he used to be. I hope he’s back before it’s too late, and before i leave for tour and he leaves for college. it breaks my heart to see him like this. 

teaching the boy about cameras and flashes and light meters the other morning while laying in bed. i look so grumpy in the second photo…but it was only because of how bright the flash was. haha.

i am so in love with that man.

Mar 19th at 8PM / tagged: photography. danny. me. personal. / reblog / 1 note

love is hard. love takes work. but having that one person you love more than everything else in the world love you back is worth every moment of strife along the way.

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I’m going to be in California in less than a month.

Just typing that sentence makes me smile from ear-to-ear. Danny, our co-worker Nick, his girlfriend Erica and I are all driving out for 3 days over spring break. Yeah, it’s fast. and yeah, it’s ridiculous to spend more days driving then we’ll be spending in CA, but I want an adventure, i’d love a beach, and i NEED the Vitamin D and sunshine, so what better way than to get all 3? 

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i want to figure out who i am. i want to figure out who i’m becoming.

this past year i’ve constantly felt lost within myself, and lost as to who i am. I’ve lost so many of the things i relied on that defined my identity in high school; i’m at a true loss of exactly who and what i am in this moment of my life.

I know who i want to be, and i know who i’m trying to become, i’m just not entirely sure who i am right now.

this is a strange feeling to have. i want it to go away. But i know that nothing good comes without a fight, so i’m willing to take this time to figure myself out because i know it’s important.

Feb 25th at 9PM / tagged: blog. personal. writing. danny. / reblog / 1 note

weird, weird realization…

last night i couldn’t fall asleep for the life of me. my mind was going 1000mph thinking about the weirdest things, so i pulled up a torrent of “Breaking Dawn” and finally watched it….and realized that Bella has the same string of lights in her room that i have in mine. hahaha. weird! 

i haven’t posted all week…sorry Tumblr-world :( that should change by the end of the night….hopefully!

cleaning my desk and organizing my life first. desk, buy textbooks, maybe laundry, and THEN i can come play with you all :) 

WHY DID RJD2 HAVE TO SELL OUT TONIGHT?

AND WHY DID MY TICKET PURCHASE NOT GO THROUGH ON MY PHONE YESTERDAY??? 

i am officially winning the worst girlfriend/worst sister award tonight, and have two boys pretty bummed out and it’s all my fault. #fail 

TO ANYONE IN AN LDR/ MILITARY SO WHO FOLLOWS ME: Check this out! “PillowTalk”

Check out this INCREDIBLE new product this company in the UK is trying to raise money to start producing, called Pillow Talk. 
Here’s a snippet from their website describing it:
If you’ve ever been separated from your loved one, or been in a long distance relationship, you know how hard it can be. For me, the worst part is always at night. When the busy-ness of the day recedes and it’s time to settle down and go to sleep - that’s when I miss my sweetheart the worst. But imagine if there was a way to feel intimately connected to your significant other, at the time when you need it most…

That’s the premise behind Pillow Talk, an interactive product aimed at bringing long distance lovers together. Each person has a special pillow on their bed and goes to sleep wearing a wireless ring sensor. When one half of the couple goes to bed, the pillow on the other’s bed begins to glow softly. Placing their head on the glowing pillow, one can instantly hear the real-time heartbeat of their lover and feel closely connected, regardless of distance. Click here to see a video of how it all works.

Pillow Talk was a thesis project developed by Joanna Montgomery in 2010. It has won several awards for innovation, and due to the popularity of the concept, has recently secured the funding needed to begin prototyping for production. Those interested in Pillow Talk can follow its development on the Facebook page of Joanna’s newly formed company, Little Riot.”

I know that if i had this while I was dating Brady while he was stationed away for training, this would have made ALL the difference in the world. If you like what you see and think that this would be something you’d use (God knows i still will when i go out on tour!) then please follow the link here to make a donation to their PayPal account to help get this invention off the ground and into production!
There’s sooo many Military SO’s on Tumblr/people in LDR’s that i really think if we all got behind them, we’d get this into production! 

re-blog, donate, and help make this happen, people!  

blehhh.

first week back at school. haven’t seen the boy in a week. want to sleep but can’t. 
AND? Apple’s education announcement is at 10am EASTERN! 8am my time! I can’t get up that early! it’s not possible for me cause i’m lazy and lame!

bleh. thought i’d be waking up with Danny and watching it with him….i think he’s grumpy at me tonight, and no plans have been made, so nevermind! oh well. c’est la vie.

I can’t wait to have this first week back. I just need some rhythm, some normality in my life.
i don’t know what happened to everything, but i feel like nothing’s been right these past 5-7 days. urgh.

I hate you, education system. i also love you, but mainly hate you right now. ha.  

Jan 19th at 1AM / tagged: danny. writing. personal. blog. / reblog / 27 notes

That awkward moment when you meet him for dinner and he knows your upset…

I feel like a bitch. I shouldn’t be upset…but last night I came to the sad realization that my entire relationship with him has been spent being a supportive girlfriend trying to help him push through these IC classes, nothing more and nothing less. He asked me to be his girlfriend 2 months ago after months and months of exclusive dating, just waiting to finally be officially his. In these two months we’ve really been a couple, the only thing he’s had time for, the only thing He’s had to do is finish these classes. And instead of staying focused after the semester ended and just hammering them out, he wasted his whole winter break procrastinating, and now I’ve been in a relationship with incomplete schoolwork for nearly three months, not Danny.

I promised myself when Brady and I broke up that I wouldn’t get in another relationship where I had to put something like that before my relationship. I promised myself I wouldn’t let myself become the one to be putting in 110% into the relationship…and yet somehow here I am again.

Im upset, and I should be allowed to be, but the problem is that unlike the last relationship I was in, this time sacrificing those little things is worth it; He’s worth it. I just hate feeling like this. I want to be mad at him because i HATE the situation we’re in and what he’s done to the start of our relationship, but I just can’t find a way to, and that’s the worst part. I know being mad isn’t the right feeling, and so all I know is right now I’m sad. I’m really really sad. And I had to go and be awkward at dinner and make him feel sad and guilty.

And now I feel terrible, when he should be the one realizing he messed up.

I hate stuff like this. But I love him. So I’ll keep fighting for this, and keep supporting him and being that un-fun girlfriend who nags him about his homework until this is all over with……just in time for next semester to start… :(

Jan 9th at 7PM / tagged: Danny. romance. school. hard. life. writing. personal. blog. / reblog / 64 notes